It has been a hectic month. I am still working on the script for the 10 minute short for the intern thing. It needs to be done by June 1st if it is going to be done on time. I have several ideas outlined, but can't seem to get past that stage. I need to decide on which one to use, and flesh it out then script it. I don't have much time to do it either. Besides which I have a huge server upgrade to do at work which is totally stressing me out. I need to just stop stressing and do, but I am totaly freaked out. I am in one of those places where I am too scared to do anything because I am afraid of messing up everything I do. I am afraid of writing the script because I am afraid of writing something that is crap, full of cliches and clams. I realize that it probably won't be that bad, and it can always be cleaned up, but my fear is once again paralizing me and preventing me from getting anything done.
I realize that the worst that can happen is that I need to clean it up and edit it. The worse that can happen is that my first draft is total shit. So why does it feel like if that happens it is the end of the world? This happens to me on a regular basis. I need to find a way to work around it. I need to find a way to just ignore the nagging doubt and just do it anyway.
Ok, I think I need to force myself out of this, and I am using this blog to hold myself accountable.
I vow to:
1. Work on this script for 4 hours a day.
2. Write no less than 3000 words a day, including rewrites and alterations.
3. Stop beating myself up and censoring myself before I start writing.
4. Take 5 minutes to look over the good things I have produced, to remind myself what I can do when I actually work on it.
5. Stop judging whether what I am doing is of good quality and just enjoy the process of doing it. Assessment will be judgement free, used only for seeing potentials for making it better, not judging how bad it curently is.
I realize I am being cheesy and I feel it is a bit trite. But seriously, I need to pull myself out of this muck into which I have sunk. Self judgement and self criticism is never a healthy place to stay for very long. It stunts creativity. It is a self perpetuating cycle. The more you let yourself dwell on the insecurity, the more bad things you see about your work and the more insecurity seeps in.
OK...I am going to go get myself something to eat, then I am going to take my own advice and just work on it. Any suggestions on how to work past this would be awesome. I hope I am not the only person in the world that struggles with this.