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Talking through the crap....

5/12/2013

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Wow...a whole month again without a post. Well, today's post is because I want to test the new ios interface for Weebly and I need to talk through some crap.

It has been a hectic month. I am still working on the script for the 10 minute short for the intern thing. It needs to be done by June 1st if it is going to be done on time. I have several ideas outlined, but can't seem to get past that stage. I need to decide on which one to use, and flesh it out then script it. I don't have much time to do it either. Besides which I have a huge server upgrade to do at work which is totally stressing me out. I need to just stop stressing and do, but I am totaly freaked out. I am in one of those places where I am too scared to do anything because I am afraid of messing up everything I do. I am afraid of writing the script because I am afraid of writing something that is crap, full of cliches and clams. I realize that it probably won't be that bad, and it can always be cleaned up, but my fear is once again paralizing me and preventing me from getting anything done.

I realize that the worst that can happen is that I need to clean it up and edit it. The worse that can happen is that my first draft is total shit. So why does it feel like if that happens it is the end of the world? This happens to me on a regular basis. I need to find a way to work around it. I need to find a way to just ignore the nagging doubt and just do it anyway.

Ok, I think I need to force myself out of this, and I am using this blog to hold myself accountable.

I vow to:

1. Work on this script for 4 hours a day.
2. Write no less than 3000 words a day, including rewrites and alterations.
3. Stop beating myself up and censoring myself before I start writing.
4. Take 5 minutes to look over the good things I have produced, to remind myself what I can do when I actually work on it.
5. Stop judging whether what I am doing is of good quality and just enjoy the process of doing it. Assessment will be judgement free, used only for seeing potentials for making it better, not judging how bad it curently is.

I realize I am being cheesy and I feel it is a bit trite. But seriously, I need to pull myself out of this muck into which I have sunk. Self judgement and self criticism is never a healthy place to stay for very long. It stunts creativity. It is a self perpetuating cycle. The more you let yourself dwell on the insecurity, the more bad things you see about your work and the more insecurity seeps in.

OK...I am going to go get myself something to eat, then I am going to take my own advice and just work on it. Any suggestions on how to work past this would be awesome. I hope I am not the only person in the world that struggles with this.
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Busy as a beav...er, bee

12/9/2012

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Well, it has been a very productive weekend. I haven't finished recording and posting stories yet, but it still has been very productive.  

     I spent several hours yesterday rewriting the story arc for the webseries. This is re-write number 3. Re-write because the direction it was going has changed so dramatically I had to go back and change the first few episodes and reconfigure the story arc. For some reason this time my characters are telling me where they want go with it, and it is not what I had in mind at all. However, it is truer to the characters themselves, so I guess I don't mind the rewrite. It is also necessitating the addition of more great characters, so I starting losing track of it all. And little jokes, story threads and character interactions are popping in, giving little touches to what was a good silly little story thing. It has become more than I meant it to be. I do not think it is bad. But it really isn't what I had in mind when I started this. it is tons better. I just hope I can make it fully to fruition. 

     One thing I noticed was I kept having to flip around through my notebooks to make sure I was referencing each character correctly, and not leaving dangling story threads through out. I found cheap foam board at the Dollar Tree, which I had planned to use for light bouncing. I decided that having everything easily accessible was a better idea. 

So now, my walls look like this:
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     I just taped the foam board to the walls using packing tape. I will still be able to use the other side for lighting. I also am saving a few to put animation notes on. As crazy as it looks, it is actually helpful. I have never been in a writer's room, but after I did all this I realized this room now looks like pictures I have seen on the intertubes. So maybe I am on to something. Probably a lot less efficient, as it follows my logic not general conventions, but still. Sitting back and looking at it all I feel like I actually accomplished something. And I feel that much closer to this thing becoming a reality. 

     Also this weekend my friend drove me to the hardware store so I could purchase some supplies. I bought plywood, 1x1, 1-1/2x1/2, etc. I glued and nailed the boards together for a frame, then I glued and nailed the plywood to the top. Once it is dry I will have a base I can clamp to the table and attach a background. 

Here are some pics:
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     So that's now done. I also purchased some small pieces of sheet metal. I am still figuring out what exactly I want to do with them. One of the ways I anchor my puppets is by using magnets. Unlike some, I put my magnets in the feet and use a metal base. Even if I feel the need to go the other way with my new puppets, a sheet metal base for the floor will give extra stability. I just haven't exactly decided how to execute it yet. 
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     So that was my weekend. I still have a ton to do, but I feel like I am moving forward instead of stagnating. 
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Rainy Days and Mondays

5/21/2012

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No matter what else is going on in my life, my mind is always on stop motion. What I can do to make an idea work, a short storyline idea, looking at the different elements of life and wondering how to make them work in stop motion - all always running around in the hamster wheel I call my brain. I see something in a tv show and think "How would I do  that and make it look natural?" Or "How could I make that in miniature and still allow the moving parts to move?". I suppose I am slightly mad. And also very frustrated. It is frustrating that I don't have the funds to try many of my ideas. It is frustrating that my camera is an inconsistent point n shoot. It is frustrating that I can't afford to pay someone to teach me how to light a scene properly. It is frustrating that I can't afford the proper materials for creating my own puppets. Or afford the waste that will come while I am learning how to make my own puppets. I just want to make movies. People say that money doesn't buy happiness.  Seriously, if I had the money to buy what I needed to do more stop motion I would be happy. Well, more like content.

On another note, I am looking into alternative video sites. I like You Tube, I guess. There is just so much there to wade through. And people can add random ads to your stuff without your permission and without paying you. That is frustrating to me. I am looking into Vimeo. I have been watching Vimeo videos for a while now. They seem to be better quality. It seems to me more of the videos available are done by people who are serious about making good content. The number one reason I hadn't gotten a Vimeo account is they did not support mobile devices, while You Tube does. Now it seems they do. I just watched a video on my android phone the other day. So now to figure out what the length limit is, what the upload limit is, and if I have to get a paid account if I go over a certain amount of videos. Of course, I could monetize You Tube, while I am not sure I could do that with Vimeo.

Well, grounds for contemplation.
I leave you with a random act of photogging:
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Why Chris Hardwick is my new hero...well, sort of

4/9/2012

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A while back I posted a long diatribe about my creative process and the lack thereof, about my paralyzing fear and how to get past it. I have been working hard, though I must admit that I have failed in doing the regular Yes, And... writing that I had promised myself. It is still difficult. I know it has only been a month, but it feels like my progress is non existent. I just found an ad calling for music writers. I can totally do that, except I have no real writing samples anywhere on the web and trying to write one just for the application is freaking me out. I start something and erase the whole thing before I can even edit it. I KNOW I can do it, but I don't know I can do it, if that makes any sense. It doesn't, but I hope I am getting my meaning out. Intellectually I know I can do it, but at the moment the fear monster is gripping me hard, whispering in my ear that no one wants to read anything I might write. Several weeks of being turned down for many, many jobs is seriously feeding and giving strength to this fucker.

So thanks to a wonderful friend I now have a copy of The Nerdist Way by Chris Hardwick. I don't know if you are aware of the guy. I have been following his podcast since inception. He has taken his podcast and turned it into a network. His theory is that the Nerd brain works in a way that is different from the rest of society. The Nerd brain has the ability to get hyper focused and the intelligence to quickly makes sense of things. His theory is that in general we nerds use that hyper focal ability to do things like play video games for hours, create worlds that don't exist so we can live in them (in our heads), and that this ability can be harnessed to help you succeed in every day life. He is not claiming to be a self help guru. He is not claiming to be some expert on, well, anything. But what he is claiming is that these methods have worked to help him turn his life around, and he is putting them out there for us other nerds to try.

A lot of what he says hits home. I can get hyper focused, especially on all the wrong things. Though I do not claim to be a brainiac, I am also not a dullard. One of the things he suggests is treating your life like an RPG. If you are not familiar with this concept, and RPG is a Role Playing Game. D&D is a classic example of one. I LOVE RPGs. When playing an RPG, you create your character by rolling dice to decide which attributes you get. In RL-RPG, you create a numbering system for the traits you have and want. I won't explain the whole thing here, mainly because I feel Mr. Hardwick deserves the money for people buying the book instead of reading it all here.

In my twisted little nerd brain, it all makes sense. All of it. In fact, last night I was dreaming about how to implement it. So, starting today, I am turning my life into an RPG. My goal: to get over myself and make money doing what I love. I am hoping that this will help me get out of my own way. By this time next year, I want to be doing something besides whining about how I hate my life and how shitty it is that no one will hire me. Now that I have emailed 5 applications (that is my minimum for any given day), I plan to spend the rest of the day creating my character and goal sheets.

The many taloned monster painfully gripping my shoulder is telling me it will never work, and that my motivation will wane after a day or so and I won't complete it. Time to add a sword to my weapon arsenal so I can slay this lying motherfucker.
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Next phase?

3/11/2012

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Now that I have the script done, I need voice actors to record the dialog. I was going to try to do at least one of the voices, but I am still not up for it yet. When I talk too much I lose the ability to use my upper lip. Which is slightly disturbing, but still close enough to the actual injury I don't think it is permanent. Yet. But I need to get to animating, and I need to have the audio to go off of first. I have no idea where to find voice actors. I made an appeal to friends first. Tomorrow I think I am going to talk to my acting coach at the college. He is a nice guy. He may be able to help me find people. Unfortunately I can't afford to pay anyone, so that may limit my poole a bit.

So...while I am waiting for responses, I have been playing with making my own puppets. Here is what I have so far....
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The bare wire armature....sans head. I used 18 gauge wire doubled on itself and twisted. I used a hand crank drill to twist it.
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And the armature with "bones" added. I used epoxy putty for this. I also added a neck. I plan to sculpt a head out of an old wine cork.
I am just waiting for the epoxy putty to harden. I have decided I hate the stuff. It was suggested on several sites and blogs, so I thought I would try it. For one thing, it stops being workable after 2 minutes. Which means you have to work quickly. This wasn't close to what I wanted it to look like, but I didn't have time to sculpt it. It also feels a bit heavy. I worry that the wire joints might bow under the weight. It is also stinky and expensive. And sticky. I have it all over my hands. I couldn't get it all off. Well, we'll see how this goes. I am thinking of trying balsa and gorilla glue for bones next time. I also have pine fancy craft sticks. I might see what I can do with those. Though I would still have to figure out the torso and hips.

Ok...off to find foam build up instructions. I have some old cushions I am tearing apart for this. I also have some flat foam sheets that came inside other stuff I bought.....a long time ago. Again, I am not a craft hoarder. :P

EDIT: That....went horribly, horribly wrong. Mainly because I have NO idea what I am doing. The foam refused to stick, and then it refused to sculpt, which did not help my already piss-poor sculpting skills. So now I have a boned armature with a half sculpted cork head attached to my desk lamp by magnets in it's very very very undersized feet.
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I suppose I could have made another post about this, but frankly I just want to hide under the bed. I need to whine, and I don't want to be obvious. So there is the evidence of my fail. Well, partial. I removed the fail foam. I am currently thinking of alternatives. It may be that I will never be able to create my own characters.  Or maybe I need to find a design and/or medium that I can work with. I don't think I will ever find a person who will just teach me. I have no money, and there are no Stop Motion schools. In fact, very few schools teach stop motion at all, and that is usually in the context of drawn animation. SOB
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OK. Chairs done. Poorly.

1/2/2012

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Yeah. I have been working on these flipping chairs for days. They are ok. They will probably work. I just see all the flaws in them. I also printed out some hardwood flooring and took a test run with it all together. I am not sure I like it yet.
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I didn't bother lighting it. Maybe should have. I dunno.
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It was fun to do. I have decided that what I need to do is finish the storyline then only make the things I need, not what strikes me at the time. I have no idea what I would do with any of this. I had fun making the playing cards. I am a gamer, so it is cool to have dice and cards. Well, I guess I am getting better at it as I go along. I just need to plan better. So...tonight work on writing up a script and a list of sets and props. I plan to try adding dialog to this next one.


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    Author

    Eleanor...nerd, musician, stop motion animator, techy, crafty. But not in the crafty crafty way...I just like making things. You can find me on Twitch & Twitter @TeaWeaselStopMO & Tiktok.

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