It has been a while. I have worked on several things between then and now.

I did manage to cut the pieces for my iPad frame. However I am still trying to figure out how to cut the slit in the middle so I have a place for the iPad to sit. Hacksaw worked for the 45 degree angle cuts on the ends, but not so practical for the middle part. I am still problem solving that issue. I really want to get that one solved soon so I can get back to animating.

I did take a stab at making the foundations for the Ood and Vastra masks. I failed. Failed miserably. For one, I did it just after I had a root canal done, so the left side of my face was swollen. I also realized that when doing this myself, I had to move my face up and down to see what I was doing with the plaster fabric strips, which created pockets in the plaster every time I moved. It will not work for a foundation at all. Here is a bad pic of me with the mask:

I apparently didn't put enough vaseline on my face, as plaster stuck everywhere. It is right now resting on one of the foam heads I bought waiting for a purpose. The first night after I did this I totally freaked myself out by waking up with my face right next to it. Looking around, the other foam heads I bought were at random places around the room, lit up by the street lights. Looked like there were floating heads around my room. Scared the crap out of myself. And made myself laugh.

So, anyway, as that didn't really work out, I have thought it over and have decided to price out alginate. It is a gooey substance that when set brings out details, but is rubbery so can peel off. You then fill with plaster to make a lifemodel of your head. I am thinking making two of those might be an easier route to take. I just need to make sure I have a real baldcap (the plasticwrap one I tried previously was shit) and a person to smear me with alginate. And I need to find out if the cost is in my price range.

On another note, I am making a comic book. I have written the first script and sent it off. It is a practice script to make sure the artist and I are in sync and on the same page. More like a development script. I have the storyline all written out, I just need to scriptify it. It is kind of fun. Yes, I realize I already have a bajillion projects on the table. But this one kind of struck me as fun, so I took it on too. And really, it has sparked my writing brain into production again. Now I feel motivated to finish the other writing projects I have started. So I guess it has had a purpose.

I am also working on learning songs for OryCon. I have joined a filk group. If you don't know what filk is, you can go here. I have a few songs about Doctor Who, Game of Thrones, Beer in the Pants, Gandhi, etc to learn before Nov. 7th. Though this is fun, it is a lot of work. I am excited to perform again. It has been a while.

Ok, I suppose this post was mainly about accountability, which is one of the reasons I started this thing. More later.

This post is going to be another vomit post. I have been thinking a lot about the difference between self esteem and self delusion. 

How does one honestly assess their own talents without being either too self critical or completely delusional?

When I was in elementary school, the world was in the throws of the "tell all kids they're wonderful so we don't hurt thier feelings" phase. Everyone won, everyone got ribbons, everyone was praised. At home my mother hardly had anything good to say about me. I think she thought she was helping, but I rarely heard anything encouraging from her.  Confronted with both extremes, it was hard to believe either were true. It was impossible to get a true picture of myself. I learned that when people say anything to me about me, whether it be good or bad, they are most likely blowing smoke up my skirt and that opinion could not to be trusted. I could never find that balance, because I never had a person who I could trust to give me an honest to god opinion: one that mattered and that I could believe.

I still struggle with that. I love my friends dearly, but I find it hard to trust when they say what I have created is good, because I always suspect they are just being nice. I look at my videos and think "Well, it's not Aardman quality". I see the flutteriness. I see the edge of scenery and the mysterious moving objects. I see my attempts at humor and think no one else finds them nearly as funny as I do. I read my writing and see how not Neil Gaiman I am. Or Amy Berg. Or Jane Espenson. I keep doing because I love doing it all. I have a deep down hope that something in that pile of muck is worth the space it is taking up and the time I spent on it.

Right now I am struggling again with my self image. I want to see myself as I am, warts and all, good and bad, and come out confident and happy with what I see. Am I wasting my time with all the crap I create? I love to create. I LOVE to create. It makes me deliriously happy, giddy even, when I make something. But what if I will never be good at anything? What if I am deluding myself into thinking I have a chance at being on par with Aardman, Gaiman, Berg et all? Or does that even matter? Should I be showing the world the humble progress so far, or should I be hiding my shame?

We are constantly being told not to base our self worth or our self image on what other people think of us. But how do you create an accurate image of yourself if you don't, at least to some degree? How do you see yourself if you are not allowed to look at the image that is reflected back at you?

How did you create your self image, and how has it effected what you do with your life?

So the creative bug had been biting me pretty hard lately. I really want to do some cool stuff, though I know a lot of it I just will need to learn how to do and it will be crap. I made a list of everything I want to do, and looking at it (it is pretty long) I think I am going to need to make a plan if I am ever going to get any of it done.

Warning: LONG post! Lots of bullshit! A bunch of pics! Feel free to read or skip as appropriate.

First thing, I have been working on a new stop mo. My camera has pretty much crapped out on me, so I am going to have to figure out how to do it without the camera. I have my iPad. I have figured out how to get pics from my iPad to my computer. I have found a few camera control apps for the iPad, though nothing that lets me control the focus the way I want. Also I need to anchor that sucker down somehow so it doesn't look like my characters are in an earthquake all the time.

So I have designed a frame thing that is made of PVC piping and foam insulation tape. I had planned on cutting the PVC with my hacksaw and mitre box. The box is missing. I packed them together, because I usually do not use either one by themselves. One of these days I will either go get another one or find a friend who has power tools to help me cut them at a 45 degree angle and cut a slot in the top for the foam insulation and a place to rest the iPad. Then I will drill a 1/4inch hole in the bottom for mounting to the tripod platform. Project number one. :)

So last weekend I helped a friend move. As per usual she wanted to get rid of stuff, and as per usual I accommodated her and took it off her hands. The first thing was this awesome globe thing that lights up.

Now I have to figure out how to costume this bad boy. I can't sew, and I have other sewing projects I want to do. So I will need to find a place to find South Korean looking jackets and grey slacks. And of course the mask. I HAVE to take a shot at making a mask of that face. I have no mask making experience. I do have liquid latex. I have been looking online and if I do it in 3 pieces I may actually be able to pull it off. One piece for the face, another piece for the tentacles, and a final piece for the head. I am currently researching the cost of latex foam. I also need to get myself a few styrofoam heads to use as bases. I think I would make a thin latex mask for the face, a molded latex foam for the head, then attach the tentacles to a large mesh frame that attaches to the mask. that will make it easier to breath. It would also be awesome if I can find a cheap voice modulator.

On the latex mask front, I decided if I am going to do an Ood, I also need to make a Vastra mask.

This is Madame Vastra (picture property of BBC and Doctor Who). She is strong and beautiful and a warrior and everything I wish I could be. She is one of my favorite fictional characters ever. She is married to Jenny, the lady behind her in this picture. If you don't watch any other Doctor Who, it is worth watching the episodes she is in just to bask is this dazzling character. I have been waiting out the last few years of less than stellar storylines and Moffet's version of Psych! and a Doctor who doesn't really feel like the Doctor, but her alone has made this wait worth it. As masks go, this one looks like the most comfortable one to wear for long periods at a time. I would do her Victorian outfits, though. She has some gorgeous black dresses I really want. Though, my next project could conceivably be used for her character.

I also got a green leather coat. It is HUGE. It is very 80's. The shoulder pads are gone, but thiey have left thier mark in the shoulders of this coat. there is enough leather fabric in that coat to make a steampunky vest or two. A vest that would go with the brown leather coat I found last winter. It would also go with the Vastra mask. I also want to sew some aviator pants to use with steampunk.


 

I want this look, pants boots and all. Except I want to make them black. These pants could go with steampunk and Vastra.

I also was given several sets of vampire fangs. So....I can do regular vampire, steampunk vampire, or vampire Silurian (Vastra is a Silurian). OR Vampire Steampunk Silurian! Oh this is going to be awesome. :)

I can't sew worth a damn, so I will have to find someone to supervise.

So the list....

Not in priority order...

1. Latex Ood mask
2. Latex Madame Vastra mask
3. Build a more interactable stop mo set
4.Leather steampunk vest or two, depending
5.iPad frame with foam insulation
6.Button over aviator pants
7.Steampunk goggles
8.Crochet sweater and vests out of mounds of yarn I have laying around
9.Spin the fleece I have sitting around
10.Play with armatures and different materials to decide on puppets for stop mo.
11. Finish all writing projects (web series, 10 minute short, play, novel)
12.Finish filming current stop mo

I once told someone I am never bored. If I had a bajillion dollars, I would have plenty to do. They didn't believe me. :)

So now I have to decide what needs to be done with each of these projects, when I want to have them done by, and what I need in order to finish them. Then I will make a general plan to get them done.

Apparently I have a Tumblr account, which I totally forgot about. I tend to do that. Create accounts at the newest shiniest thing on the intertubes then completely forget about them. Also apparently I did some serious pontificating there about creativity, my cowardace about putting my stuff put there, etc. Yeah I know. Weird. Some of those things were actually good and fairly intelligent, if I do say so myself. I came across it while lazily spending the morning in bed googling myself. Don't judge me - you have done it too.

So the one that struck me the most this morning is about how people give criticism, and our general lack of knowledge around how to do it correctly. While creativity rarely happens in a void, bad criticism can shut it down completely. Here is a copy-n-paste of what I said there. Do you agree? Do you think I am being overly harsh, or have I hit the nail on the head?

~In my ongoing to search to find something out there that will help me get over myself and continue creating, I have noticed something interesting.

But first, let me say that my view of the creative process up till now has been you hole up by yourself. You write/photograph/paint/sew/edit, etc, until whatever it is you are creating is polished and good. Then you present it to the world and get your kudos and praise from regular people and stone throwing from the trolls and voila you have success. I love to get feedback and encouragement as I go. My experience has been that when you ask other people for that what you actually get is thier vision of how your project should be. My mother was very fond of molding anything I did until it was no longer the personification of the vision I had for it. It was then her project, and she expected credit for it.

When I decided I wanted to write I started going to writing groups thinking that I would get the encouragement I needed, only to be shot down horribly by members of the group. Any time anyone had a good idea or an engrossing story, instead of encouraging the writer they would pick apart the petty details that didn’t matter. They would shoot each other down with scathing remarks about things like a writer’s choice in clothing for their characters or pick to pieces the choice of titles. I watched them all do this to each other and left in frustration. This was not helpful to anyone nor was it encouraging. It cemented my theory that creativity is a lone animal.

However, as I read more and more about what successful creative people have to say about it the more I am inclined to think that creativity doesn’t happen in a void. Yes, certain things you have to do alone. But it seems that creativity begats creativity. How many artists have said they saw the Mona Lisa or some brilliant art piece and were inspired to go home and do something themselves? How many writers tell about the daily activities that triggered an idea for a story that developed into a book?

And they also had someone, somewhere along the line, who told them they were good and gently steered them in the right direction.

In my opinion most people, even experienced creative types, don’t understand how to critique. Critiquing isn’t about saying “This is bad. I don’t like it. You need to change X,Y and Z.” It is about looking at the beauty that is already there and making little suggestions that will enhance that beauty. It is about putting aside your personal taste and looking at the project for what it is. Not a lot of creative types do that instinctively. We tend to look at a project and begin assessing what we would do if it were our project.

There are people out there who can objectively critique and help. They can look at a piece of art and explain to the artist why the overall design would fit together better if they used a different color, instead of just telling them the color is off. They can read your story and tell you why this paragraph breaks up the continuity of a story. They can look at your movie and explain why that last scene didn’t work with the rest of the story. And most importantly they can express what they like about a project.

We need more people like that. That is what helps creativity to thrive. Though we can’t change how other people do things, we can change ourselves.

We need to step back and think about how we felt when we first started, and explain our critique in a way that is more of a learning experience than a destructive experience. We need to ask ourselves “Is this really a valid criticism, or is this just my personal taste?

This is how we can help each other through those damned walls. If I had people like that to show my work to during the polishing process, I wouldn’t be so disinclined to show anything to anyone ever. That little voice inside that likes to pipe in with “This is shit. Why are you even trying?” would be easier to silence.

Hmm…well, it’s just a theory. I welcome thoughts on the subject.~

So, that said...Thoughts? Agree or disagree? Why?